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Morning Show Archives:

5 Ways Women Try To Impress Men (And Why They Don't Work)(10/14)
  1. Perfume. No man I know minds when a woman smells like nothing—a simple stick of deodorant accomplishes this. Women who slather on the perfume end up smelling like the front counter of Macy's, and it's a bit of a turn-off. A spray or two there might be nice for a special occasion, but I can't think of a situation where I'd ever think, Man, she's nice, but I'd like her better if she smelled like someone was pouring a stream of animal urine that vaguely smelled like flowers onto her head.

  2. Tanning. Tanned skin wasn't seen as a necessary beauty treatment in American society until the last 20 years or so, with the exception of the taxidermy community. Now, it's reached a fairly feverish pitch. Tanning salons are all over the place, waiting to help you turn your skin into a sort of orange, glowing monstrosity that looks like it was sprayed out of a can (and in some cases, it actually is). There are men out there who are impressed by a good tan, but they're what the scientific community calls "pig-ignorant slimeballs."

  3. Name Brands. You shouldn't wear name brand clothes that cost more than they need to just because you want to impress men. If you're trying to impress women, this sometimes works, but name brand items don't do much for any man other than Ralph Lauren. And just to prove that men don't know anything about brands, I just referenced Ralph Lauren. I have no idea if he makes good clothes. Probably not. But he's the only designer I could name.

  4. Makeup. Makeup doesn't do a lot for guys. In small doses it's alright, but if I want to get eyeshadow all over my clothes, I'll go see the Cure in concert.

  5. Cosmetic Surgery. It almost sounds trite to say that cosmetic surgery is ugly and disgusting. Everyone claims to hate it; yet, it's still a thriving industry. The thing is, though, the cosmetic surgery industry caters to a specific kind of person -- the type of person who wants to look fantastic at all costs. The industry isn't set up for making people beautiful. It's set up to make people think they look beautiful. And if the results were fantastic, well, then all's fair in love and war. Ultimately, breast augmentation, fat reduction, Botox treatments ... all of this looks terrible to men, women, small children and animals. Plastic surgery may eventually provide a way for people to cheat themselves into looking younger, but right now it's more lip service than anything else, pardon the pun.

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