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5 Ways Women Try To Impress Men (And Why They Don't Work)(10/14)

Perfume. No man I know minds when a woman smells like nothing�a simple stick of deodorant accomplishes this. Women who slather on the perfume end up smelling like the front counter of Macy's, and it's a bit of a turn-off. A spray or two there might be nice for a special occasion, but I can't think of a situation where I'd ever think, Man, she's nice, but I'd like her better if she smelled like someone was pouring a stream of animal urine that vaguely smelled like flowers onto her head.
Tanning. Tanned skin wasn't seen as a necessary beauty treatment in American society until the last 20 years or so, with the exception of the taxidermy community. Now, it's reached a fairly feverish pitch. Tanning salons are all over the place, waiting to help you turn your skin into a sort of orange, glowing monstrosity that looks like it was sprayed out of a can (and in some cases, it actually is). There are men out there who are impressed by a good tan, but they're what the scientific community calls "pig-ignorant slimeballs."
Name Brands. You shouldn't wear name brand clothes that cost more than they need to just because you want to impress men. If you're trying to impress women, this sometimes works, but name brand items don't do much for any man other than Ralph Lauren. And just to prove that men don't know anything about brands, I just referenced Ralph Lauren. I have no idea if he makes good clothes. Probably not. But he's the only designer I could name.
Makeup. Makeup doesn't do a lot for guys. In small doses it's alright, but if I want to get eyeshadow all over my clothes, I'll go see the Cure in concert.
Cosmetic Surgery. It almost sounds trite to say that cosmetic surgery is ugly and disgusting. Everyone claims to hate it; yet, it's still a thriving industry. The thing is, though, the cosmetic surgery industry caters to a specific kind of person -- the type of person who wants to look fantastic at all costs. The industry isn't set up for making people beautiful. It's set up to make people think they look beautiful. And if the results were fantastic, well, then all's fair in love and war. Ultimately, breast augmentation, fat reduction, Botox treatments ... all of this looks terrible to men, women, small children and animals. Plastic surgery may eventually provide a way for people to cheat themselves into looking younger, but right now it's more lip service than anything else, pardon the pun.

May

Fog/Mist
59.0°/15.0°

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Forecast

		I-80/I-94 KINGERY EXWY EASTBOUND Jam Factor 2 - Incidents 0 () I-80/I-94 Kingery Exwy EASTBOUND from I-294 Tri-State Tollway/I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/IL-394 to Illinois State Line

		I-90/I-94 DAN RYAN EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-90/I-94 Dan Ryan Exwy OUTBOUND from I-90 Chicago Skyway to I-57/Bishop Ford Frwy

		I-90/I-94 DAN RYAN EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-90/I-94 Dan Ryan Exwy OUTBOUND from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to I-57/Bishop Ford Frwy

		I-90/I-94 DAN RYAN EXWY INBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-90/I-94 Dan Ryan Exwy INBOUND from I-57/Bishop Ford Frwy to I-290 Eisenhower Exwy

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-355 North-South Tollway NORTHBOUND from I-55 Stevenson Exwy to Exit to I-88 Reagan Tollway (Southwestside)

		I-90 JANE ADDAMS TOLLWAY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Jane Addams Tollway OUTBOUND from IL-31 to Mchenry/Boone County Line

		I-90 JANE ADDAMS TOLLWAY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Jane Addams Tollway OUTBOUND from Boone/Mchenry County Line to I-39 (NP)

		I-90 JANE ADDAMS TOLLWAY INBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Jane Addams Tollway INBOUND from Mchenry/Boone County Line to IL-31

		I-90 JANE ADDAMS TOLLWAY INBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Jane Addams Tollway INBOUND from I-39 (NP) to Boone/Mchenry County Line

		I-90 INDIANA TOLL RD EASTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Indiana Toll Rd EASTBOUND from State Line Toll Plaza to I-65/US-12/US-20 (#17)

		I-90 CHICAGO SKYWAY INBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-90 Chicago Skyway INBOUND from Illinois State Line to I-94 Dan Ryan Exwy

		I-80/I-94 BORMAN EXWY WESTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-80/I-94 Borman Exwy WESTBOUND from I-65 (#12) to Illinois State Line

		I-80/I-94 BORMAN EXWY EASTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-80/I-94 Borman Exwy EASTBOUND from Illinois State Line to I-65 (#12)

		I-80 EASTBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-80 EASTBOUND from US-45 La Grange Rd (#145) to I-294 Tri-State Tollway (#155)

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-355 North-South Tollway NORTHBOUND from Exit to I-88 Reagan Tollway (Southwestside) to I-290 Eisenhower Exwy

		I-190 O'HARE ACCESS EXWY INBOUND Jam Factor 1 - Incidents 0 () I-190 O'Hare Access Exwy INBOUND from O'Hare Airport to I-90 Kennedy Exwy

		I-94 EDENS EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-94 Edens Exwy OUTBOUND from I-90 Kennedy Exwy to IL-58/Dempster St (#37)

		I-94 EDENS EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-94 Edens Exwy OUTBOUND from I-90 Kennedy Exwy to I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway

		I-94 EDENS EXWY INBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-94 Edens Exwy INBOUND from IL-58/Dempster St (#37) to I-90 Kennedy Exwy

		I-94 EDENS EXWY INBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-94 Edens Exwy INBOUND from I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway to I-90 Kennedy Exwy

		I-90/I-94 DAN RYAN EXWY INBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Severe) I-90/I-94 Dan Ryan Exwy INBOUND from I-57/Bishop Ford Frwy to I-90 Chicago Skyway

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from Wisconsin State Line to I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/Kingery Exwy

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from I-55 Stevenson Exwy to I-80

		I-94 OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-94 Outbound from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/Kingery Exwy

		I-90/I-94 KENNEDY EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-90/I-94 Kennedy Exwy OUTBOUND from I-94 Edens Exwy to I-294 Tri-State Tollway

		I-90/I-94 KENNEDY EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-90/I-94 Kennedy Exwy OUTBOUND from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to I-294 Tri-State Tollway

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-355 North-South Tollway SOUTHBOUND from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to I-80

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-355 North-South Tollway SOUTHBOUND from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to Exit to I-88 Reagan Tollway (Southwestside)

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-355 North-South Tollway NORTHBOUND from I-80 to I-55 Stevenson Exwy

		I-355 NORTH-SOUTH TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-355 North-South Tollway NORTHBOUND from I-80 to I-290 Eisenhower Exwy

		I-290 EISENHOWER EXWY OUTBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 1 (Moderate) I-290 Eisenhower Exwy OUTBOUND from Congress Pkwy to IL-53

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive SOUTHBOUND from Bryn Mawr Av to Hayes Dr

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive SOUTHBOUND from Bryn Mawr Av to Balbo Dr

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive SOUTHBOUND from Balbo Dr to Hayes Dr

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive NORTHBOUND from Hayes Dr to Bryn Mawr Av

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive NORTHBOUND from Hayes Dr to Balbo Dr

		LAKE SHORE DRIVE NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () Lake Shore Drive NORTHBOUND from Balbo Dr to Bryn Mawr Av

		IL-53 SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () IL-53 SOUTHBOUND from Lake-Cook Rd to I-290 Eisenhower Exwy

		IL-53 NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () IL-53 NORTHBOUND from I-290 Eisenhower Exwy to Lake-Cook Rd

		IL-394 SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () IL-394 SOUTHBOUND from KINGERY EXWY/I-80/I-94 to Lincoln Hwy

		IL-394 NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () IL-394 NORTHBOUND from Lincoln Hwy to KINGERY EXWY/I-80/I-94

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from Wisconsin State Line to IL-60/Townline Rd

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from Lake-Cook Rd to I-90 Jane Addams Tollway

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from IL-60/Townline Rd to Lake-Cook Rd

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from I-90 Jane Addams Tollway to I-55 Stevenson Exwy

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY SOUTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway SOUTHBOUND from I-294 Tri-State Tollway to I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/Kingery Exwy

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway NORTHBOUND from Lake-Cook Rd to IL-60/Townline Rd

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway NORTHBOUND from IL-60/Townline Rd to Wisconsin State Line

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway NORTHBOUND from I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/Kingery Exwy to Wisconsin State Line

		I-94/I-294 TRI-STATE TOLLWAY NORTHBOUND Jam Factor 0 - Incidents 0 () I-94/I-294 Tri-State Tollway NORTHBOUND from I-94 Bishop Ford Frwy/Kingery Exwy to I-294 Tri-State Tollway

Today	Hi: 72 Lo: 54	Patchy Fog
Sunday	Hi: 81 Lo: 61	Patchy Fog
Monday	Hi: 86 Lo: 71	Partly Cloudy
Tuesday	Hi: 81 Lo: 68	Slight Chc Thunderstorms
Wednesday	Hi: 73 Lo: 63	Chance Thunderstorms